Day 1: Starting from scratch

Well I'd love to write that I have kept up with my diet and lost huge amounts of weight but that just is not true..Lauren is what happened. She told the mother I now am on watch and I have to go t the doctors weekly the uni started to threaten my stability on the course etc.

So I am now officially on summer break, so I am going to start this dam thing again...and this time hopefully succeed.

Day one, and I have only had soup. Oh a passed my driving test too, so I have been driving. I know fat and lazy but it gets me away and I dont eat. But I will still walk everywhere which is in or over walking distance.

I just want to be perfect

Day 19

Well, my date never went ahead. I spent my night in hospital, my chest became seriously bad. Pains were almost unbearable, but I have bronchitis. I am now on stong antibiotics, which make me feel sick. A posistive notion as my appetite is gone. Didnt eat yesterday, and I have officially lot 1 WHOLE STONE! =D Now i must keep it up and lose more weight, I forgot how vigourating losing weight was....and easy =D Time to kick it up a notch though!!

Lauren has her 'lover' around, and shes totally ditched me for a guy. Who is a twat, he slapped me yest. Ugh I cannot stand him, and the way he treats her. Pfft. Whatever, i'll be here for her when he decides to be a twat again....always am. Though Lauren changes around him.

Everyone, and I mean Everyone went out on the town...so very jealous! But hospital Was how i spent my night, had an amazing chat with shiv and Nick and Rob. Was a good catch up, I didnt sleep at all last night. I was so angry and frustrated, just sat a cried. Bad I know, but I seriously couldnt help myself! This lack of sleep is killing me.

I have been revising all day, I had a cuppa soup because I was freezing. 57kcals so its wasnt so bad! my revision is going to pay off i hope,  I want to pass this exam with flying colours! *fingers crossed* I spoke to my bestfriend Sam today, gosh I love him. We know what to say to each other, to make each other smile!! You only realise how amazing someone is when you honestly dont see them enough. Its like my 'twin' Ari, I miss her like crazy, she keeps me sane when I speak to her. I just wish we would see more of each other!! ahwel, one day I take her away on holiday!!!

Anyway I must go. Exams to revise for.

I'm fat, I'm ugly. but I will be perfectly skinny someday soon.

Day 13

Well, yesterday again I had no sleep. Like last night no sleep. I'm officially high on lack of sleep. I had 2 yoghurts yesterday. Yet I only lot 1 pound. I'm not eating today....I so badly want to lose weight!! This is worth the pain, the tiredness and the lck of energy, because I will be skinny!!!

I need to be skinny. I need to be perfect! Yesterday I had no lectures so It was a major revision session. Though I swear it went in one ear out the other...I need to pass this exam.

Today, I literally stayed in bed hoping to fall back asleep but no. No such luck!! i booked my driving test yesterday, 2nd time the charm I hope!!! I want to be able to drive...so badly!!

I'm supposed to be going on a date tonight, I want to go but it in London. I dont really know the guy well, what if he is weird and kidnaps me. Aha, silly right?! but also, i do feel like crap my cough is killing me slowly i swear....my chest hurts so much. =p PANTS! So im totally stuck, i think i might call a raincheck. Ahh, choices. Whats a girl to do. This guy makes me smile, and he has a good sense of humour! So do  go, or dont I...my friends here are saying not to go. Because he could be some freak....but can they be so nice and be so horrid?! My close friend lauren said she wont speak to me again if I go....but what if I go and she doesnt find out?!

WHAT AM I TO DO?!?!?!

Well, I have a few hours to figure out what i'm going to do...

I dont want to see him either, because i am fat. UGH. what am I going to do?!? what to wear, what will make me look skinnym but sexy but nice all at the same time. I want my style to shine through though. ugh. effort which i just dont have!!

I just want to be perfect

Day 11

Well, having only got 2 hours sleep I must say i'm feeling rather crap. I  hate being ill, this cough is horrid. I was doing so well today, by only having a yoghurt all day. Then Lauren made me eat pasta, though I didnt eat it all, i'm fat and do not deserve food. Food is my enemy!!!! Argh. Lauren will make me fat.

I weighed myself, I have changed my scales to stones, and they said I had lost half a stone! But thats just one step of many......I need to lose so much more!! I want to be skinny, I need to be skinny. I want my bones back. I will lose weight i need to. Lauren has bob over this weekend, so i'll be abke to lose weight this weekend =D No food at all!!!! Fast for the weekend starts here!!

I had uni this morning, I had a biology 'pub quiz' ugh my lecturer made me look like a twat!! I actually felt like crying...ugh! TWAT! And besides, my group came 2nd. And that was because we got the question wrong on the sudden death match lol!!!! It was a giggle I must say!! been going on my wii fit and doing wii dance every night, and i really enjoy it =D I find it works up a sweat if you put all your effort in =p

anyway, i must revise for my exam

I just/need to be perfect!

Day 10

wow, I so very sorry that I have not written for like 2days. I have fallen off the wagon, I've eaten so much, I had loast another 5kg then gained it all then lost 2kg, ugh and i bet i've gained that again too. Ugh I feel ugly and fat, wait. I know I am ugly and fat, I hate the way I look. i have been doing exercise every night. I will do more tonight!!!! I have to, burn some of this ugly fat!!

The parentals came up last night, and took my car away =( Just so they can get bits fixed on it, so i really shouldnt moan, ugh. My friend sarah, is hardwork....she thinks that the world evolves around her. She drains me, wow. I pick my friends, though i would change them for the world!!!

I wish I was skinny, I wish I was skinny, I wish I was skinny, I wish i was skinny. Maybe if I tell myself it enough I will wake up skinny. Why cant I be skinny, I wish to god i was skiiny. I hate what i have become, please ana come help me out. Make me strong!!!!

I just want to be perfect!!!!

Day 8

This morning I woke up, I felt ugly. I felt Fat. My hair has been cut off, it was dead it needed the cut. But I hate it, my hair is short...only making my face even more fat and ugly than it already was! It'll grow.

I feel, so fat. I feel ugly, i just want to be skinny. I havent even started my revison for my exams. I will end up failing them. And it isnt fair!! I jsut want this year to finish already, but no. I have another placement after my exams. I will enjoy my placement, but it just makes you so tired. Though it does make you lose weight =D if nothing else I will lose weight. I WANT/MUST be skinny. Please God help me have the strength. Please God make me skinny, like before. Truly all I want/need is to be skinny. Beautiful.

Ana. I can feel you rising, stronger than before. Help me lose this weight, help me! Come back, like a storm. Whisk me up, drag me down, pull me backk and make me skinny. I know your there, just underneath the surface. Please come up take a breath of fresh air make me skinny. Ana, I love you. I need you more than ever. Please Ana come back to me. I will not let you down again!! You are my all. the only control that I can keep, the only good thing that i am good at!! Ana, please I just want to be perfect...

Wow, I am feeling quite down today.....i weighed myself and i've gain 2pounds....how is that possible???? I am fasting today. Water diet. Nothing more, I will not let food touch my lips. 'a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips!' right? I'll smoke, my savior of hunger pains. i'll drink water until I am sick of it. Nothing will deter me from my fast.

I want to be perfect!

Day 7

well, I appologise for not writing yesterday...It became a very busy day. I had uni till 3pm and then I had to draw out A LOT of money for my car =D I officially have it, it is parked in the car park...but the seat is still fucked, driving it back was a giggle. The seat kept going back to the point i could reach the peddles, haha!! Ah well, i'll get it fixed! Love it though!!

After picking it up I went to give matt, my mate £10 for looking at my car hes pretty handy when it comes to cars....like builds cars from scrap! So it was only far, he dropped everything o come see the car! aha, plus it was also drinks on me for his leaving due that way, as hes moving to australia! haha,

I weighed myself, like i have been doing every day, lost 4 pounds....yeah not enough I know. Fat ugly whale that I am..but every little helps! I want to be skinny. I must lose weight, I know I can keep it up. I can feel it in my bones!! =D

This morning, went out for a cigerette and my lighter wouldnt work..badtimes!! But not to fear i went to my car...used the lighter in my car =D Never been so happy. i am an owner of a car!!!! ahhhhhhh. Tonight I am going out for my friends birthday. We have to dress up as cocktails, and i'm not feeling my cocktail very much...a tequila sunrise, I'll have a maxi dress to wear....everyone else will be in amazingly cool nice fitting outfits..though I am much t fat to wear anything nice =( Ahwell, I'll be abelt o wear things like that soon =D

I just want to be perfect, is that too much to ask?? i wish i was skinny, but i'm not and i would rather die than be this fat ugly whale i am at the moment. You have to work to be beautiful, and every pain, stress and heartbreak only helps you along the way.

Nothing tastes as good as skinny does!!!!!

so very true

Day 5

Well, today i ate very little...and i'm not even hungry!! AMAZING, actually feeling amazing in myself. Tomorrow hopefully will be able to go without food =D

I BOUGHT A CAR!! I'm so happy, its a little dark blue saxo and I haggled it down to 480....i have to say I was pretty chuffed with that!! Though my insurance is so expensive not fair, why so much. I think insurance should go down for uni students!!!

I don't have that much to say today, I had uni this morning..biology and I always enjoy it so it was a good morning then went to heck out my car..chilled with my best friend sarah and phoned my twin. We had a good ol' cath up, defo needed.

I will lose my weight, I will be beautifully skinny,,,,,,i have/want to be!!

I want to be perfect xx

Day 3

Well, having weighed myself this morning it said that I had lost 3kg...yeah not much, but it did make me smile! My hard work finally working, and paying off! Just finished uni, wow my lectures weren't very interesting..though i did become quite involved my the last one on Nursing Quality of Care, as from the bbc show on care of elderly created quite an uproar! As a nurse part of your job is to give the highest quality of care possible, whenever I have been in placement I am proud to say that i have not seen anything like that at all! As one of my placement were in a care home, it was truely a great experience! I just showed me how much I loved  what I am doing..nursing is my call!!

This morning, I was so ill...the only way to describe how I was feeling was off. Like spaced! I really could not concentrate at all, but I started to feel much more normal throughout the day. When I had my flat diet coke, (my stomach was churning) aha. Just more reason not to eat!!!

I feel like the more weight I lose the more confident I feel, I love it. I just want to be skinny, and beautiful. Aha, I met this guy...I wont name him but i'll change his name to Clark. I just like that name, he makes me laugh. He's so very cryptic with his texts..though I feel as I do not deserve the attention. I'm fat ugly, I'm sure he was drunk when he last saw me..what alcohol does to mind. haha

So how is everyone else?? Good day, well i hope so. Must go and revise, today I took out 5 fat books to revise from. Any tips on the revising front?!?! I swear it goes in one ear out the other?!

I just want to be perfect.

'Nothing Tastes as Good as Skinny feels' xx

Day 2

Well, today started off good! Cycled the 4miles into uni..and the 4 miles back. I felt amazing, specially cycling up the hills. Felt the burn and it actually fel good. Weight myself and I have lost 2lbs...not as much as i'd like but its a start.
Today, I am starting this hardcore. Watch out, hopefully by the end of the month I will have lost a good amount of weight! As my bestfriend Samual, wants to go on holiday with me in august...ugh I would look like a beached wale on the beach. Not good.
Anyone have any tips? Anyone going through the same?? I cant even bring myself to look in the mirror, I cry when I see what I have become....ugly, fat. disgusting! Why cant I be skinny? Is it so much to ask?! As I sit here and write this blog, I just become angry. More at myself, for letting myself go, for letting myself go to the EDU's and hospital. Why must they help when I dont actually want it?
Well, its decided hardcore weightloss. Food is my enemy not my friend, Food will kill me. I so Wish i was skinny. To be beautiful one must be put through pain...you have to work hard for it...and I WILL.

I just want to be perfect

Day 1

Well, I decided to write a blog. I feel that other people need to see what I go through on a regular basis, I have struggled with anorexia since I was 9. I am now 19, turning 20 soon. It is a disease, it eats away at me...i'll never have a normal relationship with food.
At the moment, I am what doctors say 'recovery' which means that I am at a 'healthy weight' FAT. Basically. Though, as much as I want people to see what I struggle with, I want to be there for people who are the same. Maybe give them an outlook on themselve, that they are NOT alone. I often feel isolated in my own little world where ana (anorexia) just runs my life. I have been in and out of hospital and EDU's (eat disorder units) Yes I do not think I have an eating disorder, but it is what I have been labled since I can remember.

'Whats in a name, that which we call a rose
By any other than would smell as sweet'

I am a student nurse, I feel that I can help people. I feel that I can relate more with the patient. I love what i am doing, though I am not happy with myself. Therefore, I am wanting to lose weight.

If this is offensive in any way, then I appologise. Though, do not be afraid to ask questions. I will answer them...I live with this. I want to be perfect....is that such a crime?